The Drugs, Crackheads and Cops Story: Conclusion

Being somewhat smarter than a few minutes ago when we decided to pull some real life Grand Theft Auto, we put up our hands so as to not risk getting shot, pepper sprayed, or tasered; maybe all of the above.

Out of the review I can see an officer on my left approaching the window. It is a fairly young guy, probably mid twenties. By the time he is at my door my stomach is so tight It feels like its about to re-enact the Big Bang Theory and soak the cop in a coating of nervous primordial soup. I don't however because A) thankfully thats not physically possible and B) when it comes go time in these situations I've actually been money in the bank at keeping cool even when an Hiroshima aftermath is blasting inside my head.

Officer 1: I need to see your license and insurance, please.

Me: No problem. Here you go.

Officer 1: Mind stepping out of the car for me?

Me: Sure.

As I get out, I notice that behind the Ford Explorer, there are three (THREE) other cruisers behind them. Apparently, they were thinking they found some escaped cons who might be armed to the teeth and tweaked out on meth. I see a few cops standing around them, but they do not come over. That is when I notice a female officer is at Sean's window. I assume he has been asked to get out as well; either that, or he's gonna try and make a break for it. Admittedly it would have been a cool sight, if not for the down side that I'd probably get slammed face first into the street and possibly killed. And over a fucking pot pipe at that.


So, I'm stand in front of the guy, and he asks me if I have any drugs or weapons on me. I say no. On the other side I vaguely hear the chick Cop following suit, but changing it up a bit with Sean- "Do you have any needles or drugs on you?" (I don't know if the dude just forgot to ask me about needles, or Sean just looks like a heroin junkie, but its fun to think its the latter.)


Officer 1: Do you mind if I search your person?

Me: Not at all.

He asks me to turn around and place my hands on the back of my trunk. At this point, I'm sure I'm going to jail. Not because I have anything on me, but because the other cop is gonna find the pipe on Sean and that would somehow make me guilty as well. The cop searching me finds nothing illegal. But he does find a single page from a porn magazine I had in my back pocket.

(Okay, let me explain the porn before I'm thought of as a fucking pervert: Its a picture of a naked chick, and naked chicks are hot. So yeah, I was probably a pervert. But thats not the point. The point is I had it for a very good reason- Jerry's drunk ass kept insisting for me to take it and I put it in my back pocket. Honest truth, swear to God.)

Officer 1 to nobody in particular: Porn.

Female Officer looking across car with Sean: What?

Officer 1 now holding it up where she can see: Porno.

He then lays it on my trunk like a piece of evidence.

At this point, I'm more embarrassed in this revelation to the female cop than I can recall ever being at any other point in my life. I'm not sure why. Its just porn. And I was just a guy. And its not the crazy fist up some midget girls anus kind either, it was just a classy Playboy spread photo. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Although, I would have preferred the fist up some midget girls anus photo. I kid. I kid.

I wasn't embarrassed for long however, because it was then I realized Sean had been searched as well and that pipe had not been found. Which meant only one thing: It was in the car.

Officer 1: Mind if we search your car?

Fuck. We're screwed. And all because Sean didn't keep that damn thing and put it in my car.

Me: Yeah.

The Cop begins going through my floorboard, looking and feeling up under my seats. As each second that feels like an eternity passes by, I sickeningly wait for him to pull it out and then slap on the cuffs. All of a sudden he stands back up, and walks over to me, hands empty. The search is over, and somehow that pipe had fucking disappeared. I didn't know why, but I sure as shit didn't care.

Officer 1: Alright, mind telling me what you guys are doing out this evening?

I explain to him where we were, and who we were visiting. I also explain my erratic driving as not being familiar with that road (which is true, I rarely go through that way). I finish and he immediately hones in at the previous location.

Officer 1: The Down Towner huh? What room?

Me: 210.

Officer 1: Yeah, theres a known prostitution ring that hangs around room 213. Were you down there getting prostitutes?

The question itself is absurd, and I actually chuckle before answering no. Then I remembered I was the guy that had porn in his back pocket.

(Note: I later, and still wonder why, if it is a KNOWN prostitution ring, it was still going on without police intervention. I now kinda believe he was just fucking with me because of the porn.)

Officer 1: Alright, well stand here and I'll be right back.

He and the female officer (who only interacted with Sean on the other side) walk back to the explorer. I stare at Sean, he stares back. What the hell was going to happen now? Are we gonna get out of this? Or are they just discussing who gets first shot at splitting our melons with mag lites?

Officer 1 walks back up. He has my license and insurance card.

Officer 1: Heres the deal. You basically broke three traffic laws. We saw you making the turn at the Post Office, when you were speeding, and saw your improper lane change. Thats why we came after you. You also ran that stop sign.

Me: Yes sir. I'm really sorry about that, sir.

Officer 1: Mmkay. Well, since you cooperated we're gonna let you go with a warning this time. But you guys need to go straight home, I don't wanna see you out here again. And you should probably stay away from the Down Towner especially this late, okay?

Me: Yes sir.

Officer 1: Alright, drive safely and have a good night.

Sean and I get back in the car.

I sit there for a minute, get my breath, and let out a sigh of relief. Sean and I begin repeating the mantra "oh shit, that scared the shit out of me" ecetera. I crank the car up, and start driving. Once we're out of driving distance, I finally ask:

Me: Dude, where in the fuck did you put that pipe? Did you get rid of it somehow?

Sean: No dude. I put it on my nuts. (In other words, in his underwear.)

Me: ..

ME: I'm not going to hit that pipe until you soak that shit in bleach.

...........................................................



On a side note, I learned a lot of lessons that night. Don't make drug deals with strangers, especially the kind who look like vampires and who's eyes are as large as small cantaloupes. Never speed down town, and break all kinds of traffic laws if you do make a deal that happens to go bad. A dime sack isn't worth a possible case. And lastly, never carry porn.

Seriously though, I was a dumbass. And even though I'm trying to present this in a humorous way, there was a point to this and that is to not try and do stupid shit like I occasionally have. It wasn't cool at all. But it is funny as hell in hindsight.